Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #117

Evidence Card 0087: Pentagon

Evidence Card 0087: Pentagon

“Colonel LeMays, do you have a minute?”

“Certainly, lieutenant.  Just finishing lunch.  What’s on your mind?”

“I learned something this morning that was slightly disturbing.  Jensen is circulating a rumor that the game we’re playing might not be a simulation.”

“Game?”

“The one where we pretend we’re flying robot planes and blowing up bad guys.  You know the one.”

“Yes, but—”

“The thing is, we usually compete to get the highest score, so that means blasting every target that comes up.  And if I was actually shooting at people, I think I’d feel pretty bad about not checking to make sure they’re bad guys.  Heck, we sometimes take pot shots at the military vehicles or each other.  I once kamikaze’d a hospital like we sometimes do in Grand Theft Auto.”

“Son, don’t worry about it.  It’s just a video game.”

“Thanks, sir.  At first, I wasn’t sure how I was protecting my country by playing video games, but it’s pretty fun, so I guess I don’t mind.”

“That’s the spirit, lieutenant.  Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a meeting.  Don’t forget to finish your Brussel sprouts!”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #116

Theory 44: Secrets for Sale

Theory 44: Secrets for Sale

All Nude CELEBRITY pics! We hacked their phones and are selling their nude pics directly to you!

Want to see your favorite celebrities ALL NUDE?

We accept Visa, Mastercard, Paypal and Bitcoin!

Select from the following options:

  1. Scarlett Johansson – $12,000
  2. Taylor Swift – $10,500
  3. Justin Bieber – $9,000
  4. Mark Ruffalo – $6,500
  5. Tina Fey – $2,300
  6. Aaron Paul – $1,750
  7. Dog the Bounty Hunter – $500
  8. Whoopi Goldberg – $250
  9. Conan O’Brien – $200
  10. Ozzie Osbourne – $19.95
  11. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell – $5.00
  12. Abe Vigoda – $1.95

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #115

Evidence Card 0086: Hackers

Evidence Card 0086: Hackers

[cyb3rPalad1n@xanadu666 ~] $ sudo /usr/sbin/astral-vpn
Password: **********
Starting Astral™ Traceless VPN... bouncing through 183 IPs...
You are now traceless!  Happy hacking!
[cyb3rPalad1n@xanadu666 ~] $ sftp a.carter@pentagon.defense.gov
Connecting to pentagon.defense.gov...
a.carter's password: flintstones
sftp> pwd
Remote working directory: /central/rtn/users/home/acarter
sftp> cd /central/ops/pent/serv/food/
sftp> ls -a
total 4
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 83 Oct 18 2014 .
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 102 Dec 21 2014 ..
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 218 Mar 02 2011 js.iml
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 1609 Apr 18 2015 cafeteria_menu.txt
sftp> sed -i 's/Tater Tots/Brussel Sprouts/g' cafeteria_menu.txt
sftp>logout
[cyb3rPalad1n@xanadu666 ~] $ shutdown -s

To: everyone@pentagon.defense.gov
From: a.carter@pentagon.defense.gov
Bcc: barack.obama@whitehouse.gov

Everyone,

To whoever keeps putting brussel sprouts on the cafeteria menu: the joke’s gotten old.  Ever since word got out that I hate the goddamn things, I’ve seen them in the cafeteria EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It’s been weeks.  I can’t stand the sight of the things.  This has to stop.

If the brussel sprout situation continues, I’ll be forced to take the appropriate executive action.  I trust whoever thinks this is still funny will reevaluate their motivations and act accordingly.

Let’s put this behind us and get back to work defending America.

Ash Carter

Secretary of Defense

United States Department of Defense

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #114

Evidence Card 0085: Street Gang

Evidence Card 0085: Street Gang

“You shouldn’t be here, mister.”

Ernest stopped raking and glanced around.  There was no one there.

“Down here, dummy.”

He leaned over his fence.  On the other side were four tiny girls, decked out in bright summer clothes and licking popsicles.  They couldn’t have been older than five.

“This is our turf,” said the blonde girl in the neon pink tights and green shoes.  “If you want to stay, you’re gonna have to pay.”

Ernest looked around, puzzled.  “My front yard is your … turf?”

“You got it, chump,” spat a black girl with perfectly sculpted hair.  “This is a shakedown.”

Ernest wanted to laugh, but he wasn’t sure this was a joke and didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  “I see.  You’re all in a gang.”

“Twenty dollars!” shouted a little freckle-faced girl in a plaid jumper.

“I’m supposed to pay you?  Or what?”

The blonde girl looked at her fellow gang members and nodded.  Then, they opened their mouths in unison and began to emit what Ernest could only describe as the most ear-splitting sound he’d ever heard.  It was just at the top of the range of human hearing, and loud enough to cause a jabbing pain that entered at the eardrums and bored straight into the bone of his skull.  He dropped his rake and attempted to cover his ears.

The noise went on and on.  There was a seemingly endless supply of air inside his tiny assailants.

Finally, they stopped.  Ernest shook his head but the after-echo continued ringing in his head.

“Girls, I think—”

They began again, somehow louder this time.  Ernest had fought in the Korean War; he’d seen blood and death, heard bombs and the cries of the dying.  He was an old man now, and his hearing was failing.  He’d beaten cancer and had a double hip replacement.  And yet, somehow, this sound was causing him more discomfort than any of those things.  His legs gave out and he dropped to his knees on the grass as the girls stopped their second aural assault.

Four heads peeked over the fence at him, glaring with sinister purpose.  His shaking hand reached for his wallet.

“T-t-twenty, did you say?”

As the little girls skipped away down the sidewalk, Ernest gazed around at the once-quiet suburban neighborhood where he’d lived for 30 years.  The tasteful, conservative bungalows and their manicured lawns suddenly took on a menacing appearance in his fevered mind.  And children!  They were everywhere!  How did he never notice before?

Was he safe?  Would he ever be safe again?

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #112

Evidence Card 0083: United Nations

Evidence Card 0083: United Nations

President: The time is 2:40, and I call this meeting of the United Nations Security Council to order.  The chair recognizes Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon.

Moon: Welcome, gentlemen.  The first item of today’s agenda is a discussion of the conflict between the new nations Western Eastonia and Eastern Westonia.  To begin, I offer the floor to President Creznik of Eastern Westonia.

Mr. Creznik: Western Eastonia!

Moon: I beg your pardon.  My apologies.

Mr. CreznikGentlemen, I give pleadings to you all to allow the great and glorious nation of Western Eastonia to make invasion of the wicked land of Eastern Westonia.  Today, they are mocking us with rude gestures, and mooning across the border at our proud soldiers, who have heavy hearts after seeing the pale, unmuscular backsides of the Westonians.  This is situation can not stand!

Moon: Prime Minister Antonovivov, do you have anything to say in response?

Mr. Antonovivov: Yes, I have.  Pay no heed to this mewling jackass!  The Eastonian people are rude and uncivilized in every regard.  They wash their filthy laundry upstream from us, and scatter pig droppings everywhere they go.  The only thing with more hair on its body than an Eastonian man is his wife.  It is said the fierce-some cossacks of Ivan the Terrible refused to pillage Eastonian villages because they thought they were infested with bears.  They are a degenerate people who need to be wiped out!

Moon: And Mr. Carlton?  What does the United States have to say to these gentlemen?

Mr. Carlton: According to my records … the U.S. exported $847 million in military hardware to Eastonia last year, and $698 million to Westonia.  Gentlemen?

Mr. Creznik: Da?

Mr. Antonovivov: Yes?

Mr. Carlton: May the best man win!

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #111

Theory 45: Fight the Power

Theory 45: Fight the Power

“Yeah! Booyah, muthafucka!”

“Shit, man … you emptied dat whole clip!”

“You see that?”

“No mercy, dawg.”

“Keep driving!  This city is ours, you hear?  Don’t bring that shit up in this hood!”

“Guys?”

“Speak, homes.”

“Not that this wasn’t a kick-ass driveby…”

“You see that that shit?  This is revolution, man!”

“We brought the pain on that blue muthafucka, standing there on the corner like a chump!”

“Um … but, why did we shoot up a mailbox?”

“Didn’t you hear T-Bone?  He wanted us to go out and make some noise!  ‘Break the blue line!’  That shit is broken, man!  Full o’ holes.”

“I think he meant something else by ‘blue line.’  Like the pol—”

“Baby steps, man!  I mean … I want revolution, but I ain’t crazy.  You want to get shot at?”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #110

Evidence Card 0082: Dark Stranger

Evidence Card 0082: Dark Stranger

Karin sat in the last booth at the A-OK Cafe, precisely at 11:00 p.m., as directed.  She placed the manilla envelope on the table and glanced around nervously.

The eatery was unexpectedly quiet.  The lone bulb above the booth flickered ominously.  Karin craned her neck, looking for a waitress.

Suddenly, the restroom door next to her swung open and a large man in a dark trench coat swooped into view and took to the seat across from her.  He wore a wide-brimmed hat to match his coat, and his eyes glared at her from beneath its shadowy breadth.

“You have the package?” he muttered in a low voice.

She nodded, pointed to the envelope.  He then placed a stack of hundred dollar bills on the table next to it.  She reached to take them, but his heavy hand stopped her.

“Wait!  I must confirm the item’s authenticity.”

His fingers shook slightly as he fumbled with the envelope, finally tearing it open in a fit of pique and dumping its brightly-colored contents onto the white formica.

“Oh … it’s more beautiful that I ever imagined!”

He removed his hat and placed it on the seat next to him.  He was a portly man in his late 20s, with a thin beard and wire-frame glasses.  As he delicately thumbed through the comic book, his lips moved as he spoke more words of wonder under his breath.

“So..,” Karin asked.  “Are we good to go?”

“Oh, yes!  Thank you so much!  It’s perfect.”

She counted the money, folded the bills and tucked them into her purse.  “Can I ask why this particular comic book is so valuable?”

“Oh!” He looked up, seemingly surprised she was still in the booth.  “Archie #291 was a seminal issue in the Archie Comics canon.  It’s the first comic in which Moose Mason and Jughead encounter the mysterious Eamon Dunkle, who would go on to become Captain Sprocket in the spinoff Archie’s Mad House.”

“Oh.  I had no idea.  It’s been in my dad’s old footlocker for fifty years.”

“I’m so glad I saw your ad on Craigslist!  This is such a find!  Worth every penny.”

“Glad to help.  One more thing … why did we have to meet here?”

“I primarily collect superhero titles.  I have a full run of Silver Age Green Lanterns.  What do you think the others would say about me if they knew I was collecting Archie?”

“Uh … I don’t know?”

“Trust me.  It would be mortifying.  Like that time Richard and Miguel discovered I had all the original Care Bears.  A true collector knows no boundaries!  Nostalgia is a power that binds the past and makes us whole!  We must keep and protect our heritage, and save it for future generations, am I right?  What will our grandchildren think of us?  Would you want to grow up not knowing about Archie comics?  What kind of childhood would that be?”

Karin blinked once, then slid out of the booth and walked hurriedly out of the cafe.

The collector scarcely noticed.  His mind was already back within the pages of Archie #291, in Riverdale, chuckling at the wholesome antics of its eternally-youthful denizens.

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #109

Evidence Card 0081: World Bank

Evidence Card 0081: World Bank

“Good morning, sir.  My name is Gunther, and I am North America’s Third District liaison for the World Bank Group.”

“Hi.  Arlo Fidlap.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Fidlap.  How can I help you today?”

“I wanna to open a checking account.”

“I’m sorry?”

“A checking account.  One that comes with one of them debit cards.”

“I … don’t think you understand what we do here, Mr. Fidlap.”

“It’s bank, ain’t it?”

“We are a lending institution, but … we lend primarily to underdeveloped nations around the globe, for purposes of improving housing, education, health and infrastructure.”

“Well … my trailer got not heat, I dropped outa’ the third grade, my teeth is fallin’ out and they ain’t no roads so I drove my truck eight miles over dirt to get to the highway so I could come here.”

“I see … do you want plain checks or the ones with kittens on them?”