Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #120

Evidence Card 0090: Old World Illuminati

Evidence Card 0090: Old World Illuminati

843rd Annual Grand Conclave of the Bavarian High Illuminati

with Special Guest Mel Tillis

May 20th, 2015

Neuschwanstein Castle, Hohenschwangau, Germany

Agenda

  1. Opening procession
  2. Human sacrifice
  3. Invocation to Te-Amun-Jehovah, The Merciless One, He Whose Wisdom and Power Know No Bounds
  4. Coffee and complimentary Dunkin Donuts™
  5. Introduction of new members
  6. Execution of prior members
  7. Revise schedule for World War III
  8. Lunch break
  9. Mind control workshop
  10. Raffle (top prize: Belgium)
  11. Tax records bonfire and marshmallow roast
  12. Blimp rides (pants optional)
  13. The stand-up comedy stylings of Michael Winslow
  14. Cocktails and buffet of roasted endangered species
  15. After-dinner orgy
  16. Planetary alignment
  17. The rising of the Ancient Ones
  18. Special midnight screening of Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #119

Evidence Card 0089: Standing Stones

Evidence Card 0089: Standing Stones

“Broga, I don’t want to ruin your day, but …”

“Well, my crew chief called in sick, so it’s already ruined, Hamar.  What?”

“It’s upside down.”

“What’s upside down?”

“The stone circle.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope.  Here’s the sheepskin with the plan.”

“Okay … right, here’s the standing stones, here’s the stones on top.”

“No, the king wants it to look like a crown.  Flat stones on the bottom, other stones pointing up.  See this stick figure here for scale?”

“Stick figure?  I thought that was a camel.”

“There aren’t any camels in Britain, Broga.  You know that.”

“Well, shit.  Why didn’t anyone tell us before we lifted those stones?  You know how long it takes to get those frickin’ things up that high?  Wasn’t the head druid supposed to come down and inspect?”

“He fell in a bog.”

“Oh, that’s right.  Well … wait, the king’s really sick, isn’t he?”

“Yep, he’s knocking on the door, if you know what I mean.”

“Maybe if we drag this out a couple more months, he won’t live long enough to complain.”

“If you want to handle it that way, that’s your funeral.  Just make sure you have the circle done by Autumn, or the harvest festival is going to suck.”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #118

Evidence Card 0088: Undercover Agent

Evidence Card 0088: Undercover Agent

“Look … let’s make this easy.  We know you’re a spy.  You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble if you just tell us who you are and why you’re here.”

“Your security is tighter than I thought.  How did you work out I’m an agent?”

“The tuxedo.”

“It’s hardly an usual manner of dress—”

“We don’t see many tuxedoes at the water park, sir.”

“Correction: a cleverly disguised Russian submarine facility.”

“If you say so, sir.  Will you tell us why you assaulted Opie Otter near the cotton candy stand?”

“My cover was blown, I had no choice but to take him out.”

“You gave Alisha a concussion.  The children were disturbed when the character’s head came off.  That’s why you’re being held until the sheriff’s department gets here.”

“You can’t let them take me!  If they do, I’m a dead man!”

“I don’t think assault and battery charges carry the death penalty in this state, sir.”

“You don’t understand … if I don’t get this tux back by 8 a.m., I’m out $700!”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #117

Evidence Card 0087: Pentagon

Evidence Card 0087: Pentagon

“Colonel LeMays, do you have a minute?”

“Certainly, lieutenant.  Just finishing lunch.  What’s on your mind?”

“I learned something this morning that was slightly disturbing.  Jensen is circulating a rumor that the game we’re playing might not be a simulation.”

“Game?”

“The one where we pretend we’re flying robot planes and blowing up bad guys.  You know the one.”

“Yes, but—”

“The thing is, we usually compete to get the highest score, so that means blasting every target that comes up.  And if I was actually shooting at people, I think I’d feel pretty bad about not checking to make sure they’re bad guys.  Heck, we sometimes take pot shots at the military vehicles or each other.  I once kamikaze’d a hospital like we sometimes do in Grand Theft Auto.”

“Son, don’t worry about it.  It’s just a video game.”

“Thanks, sir.  At first, I wasn’t sure how I was protecting my country by playing video games, but it’s pretty fun, so I guess I don’t mind.”

“That’s the spirit, lieutenant.  Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got a meeting.  Don’t forget to finish your Brussel sprouts!”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #116

Theory 44: Secrets for Sale

Theory 44: Secrets for Sale

All Nude CELEBRITY pics! We hacked their phones and are selling their nude pics directly to you!

Want to see your favorite celebrities ALL NUDE?

We accept Visa, Mastercard, Paypal and Bitcoin!

Select from the following options:

  1. Scarlett Johansson – $12,000
  2. Taylor Swift – $10,500
  3. Justin Bieber – $9,000
  4. Mark Ruffalo – $6,500
  5. Tina Fey – $2,300
  6. Aaron Paul – $1,750
  7. Dog the Bounty Hunter – $500
  8. Whoopi Goldberg – $250
  9. Conan O’Brien – $200
  10. Ozzie Osbourne – $19.95
  11. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell – $5.00
  12. Abe Vigoda – $1.95

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #115

Evidence Card 0086: Hackers

Evidence Card 0086: Hackers

[cyb3rPalad1n@xanadu666 ~] $ sudo /usr/sbin/astral-vpn
Password: **********
Starting Astral™ Traceless VPN... bouncing through 183 IPs...
You are now traceless!  Happy hacking!
[cyb3rPalad1n@xanadu666 ~] $ sftp a.carter@pentagon.defense.gov
Connecting to pentagon.defense.gov...
a.carter's password: flintstones
sftp> pwd
Remote working directory: /central/rtn/users/home/acarter
sftp> cd /central/ops/pent/serv/food/
sftp> ls -a
total 4
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 83 Oct 18 2014 .
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 102 Dec 21 2014 ..
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 218 Mar 02 2011 js.iml
-rw-r--r--+ 3 root root 1609 Apr 18 2015 cafeteria_menu.txt
sftp> sed -i 's/Tater Tots/Brussel Sprouts/g' cafeteria_menu.txt
sftp>logout
[cyb3rPalad1n@xanadu666 ~] $ shutdown -s

To: everyone@pentagon.defense.gov
From: a.carter@pentagon.defense.gov
Bcc: barack.obama@whitehouse.gov

Everyone,

To whoever keeps putting brussel sprouts on the cafeteria menu: the joke’s gotten old.  Ever since word got out that I hate the goddamn things, I’ve seen them in the cafeteria EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It’s been weeks.  I can’t stand the sight of the things.  This has to stop.

If the brussel sprout situation continues, I’ll be forced to take the appropriate executive action.  I trust whoever thinks this is still funny will reevaluate their motivations and act accordingly.

Let’s put this behind us and get back to work defending America.

Ash Carter

Secretary of Defense

United States Department of Defense

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #114

Evidence Card 0085: Street Gang

Evidence Card 0085: Street Gang

“You shouldn’t be here, mister.”

Ernest stopped raking and glanced around.  There was no one there.

“Down here, dummy.”

He leaned over his fence.  On the other side were four tiny girls, decked out in bright summer clothes and licking popsicles.  They couldn’t have been older than five.

“This is our turf,” said the blonde girl in the neon pink tights and green shoes.  “If you want to stay, you’re gonna have to pay.”

Ernest looked around, puzzled.  “My front yard is your … turf?”

“You got it, chump,” spat a black girl with perfectly sculpted hair.  “This is a shakedown.”

Ernest wanted to laugh, but he wasn’t sure this was a joke and didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  “I see.  You’re all in a gang.”

“Twenty dollars!” shouted a little freckle-faced girl in a plaid jumper.

“I’m supposed to pay you?  Or what?”

The blonde girl looked at her fellow gang members and nodded.  Then, they opened their mouths in unison and began to emit what Ernest could only describe as the most ear-splitting sound he’d ever heard.  It was just at the top of the range of human hearing, and loud enough to cause a jabbing pain that entered at the eardrums and bored straight into the bone of his skull.  He dropped his rake and attempted to cover his ears.

The noise went on and on.  There was a seemingly endless supply of air inside his tiny assailants.

Finally, they stopped.  Ernest shook his head but the after-echo continued ringing in his head.

“Girls, I think—”

They began again, somehow louder this time.  Ernest had fought in the Korean War; he’d seen blood and death, heard bombs and the cries of the dying.  He was an old man now, and his hearing was failing.  He’d beaten cancer and had a double hip replacement.  And yet, somehow, this sound was causing him more discomfort than any of those things.  His legs gave out and he dropped to his knees on the grass as the girls stopped their second aural assault.

Four heads peeked over the fence at him, glaring with sinister purpose.  His shaking hand reached for his wallet.

“T-t-twenty, did you say?”

As the little girls skipped away down the sidewalk, Ernest gazed around at the once-quiet suburban neighborhood where he’d lived for 30 years.  The tasteful, conservative bungalows and their manicured lawns suddenly took on a menacing appearance in his fevered mind.  And children!  They were everywhere!  How did he never notice before?

Was he safe?  Would he ever be safe again?

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #112

Evidence Card 0083: United Nations

Evidence Card 0083: United Nations

President: The time is 2:40, and I call this meeting of the United Nations Security Council to order.  The chair recognizes Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon.

Moon: Welcome, gentlemen.  The first item of today’s agenda is a discussion of the conflict between the new nations Western Eastonia and Eastern Westonia.  To begin, I offer the floor to President Creznik of Eastern Westonia.

Mr. Creznik: Western Eastonia!

Moon: I beg your pardon.  My apologies.

Mr. CreznikGentlemen, I give pleadings to you all to allow the great and glorious nation of Western Eastonia to make invasion of the wicked land of Eastern Westonia.  Today, they are mocking us with rude gestures, and mooning across the border at our proud soldiers, who have heavy hearts after seeing the pale, unmuscular backsides of the Westonians.  This is situation can not stand!

Moon: Prime Minister Antonovivov, do you have anything to say in response?

Mr. Antonovivov: Yes, I have.  Pay no heed to this mewling jackass!  The Eastonian people are rude and uncivilized in every regard.  They wash their filthy laundry upstream from us, and scatter pig droppings everywhere they go.  The only thing with more hair on its body than an Eastonian man is his wife.  It is said the fierce-some cossacks of Ivan the Terrible refused to pillage Eastonian villages because they thought they were infested with bears.  They are a degenerate people who need to be wiped out!

Moon: And Mr. Carlton?  What does the United States have to say to these gentlemen?

Mr. Carlton: According to my records … the U.S. exported $847 million in military hardware to Eastonia last year, and $698 million to Westonia.  Gentlemen?

Mr. Creznik: Da?

Mr. Antonovivov: Yes?

Mr. Carlton: May the best man win!

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #111

Theory 45: Fight the Power

Theory 45: Fight the Power

“Yeah! Booyah, muthafucka!”

“Shit, man … you emptied dat whole clip!”

“You see that?”

“No mercy, dawg.”

“Keep driving!  This city is ours, you hear?  Don’t bring that shit up in this hood!”

“Guys?”

“Speak, homes.”

“Not that this wasn’t a kick-ass driveby…”

“You see that that shit?  This is revolution, man!”

“We brought the pain on that blue muthafucka, standing there on the corner like a chump!”

“Um … but, why did we shoot up a mailbox?”

“Didn’t you hear T-Bone?  He wanted us to go out and make some noise!  ‘Break the blue line!’  That shit is broken, man!  Full o’ holes.”

“I think he meant something else by ‘blue line.’  Like the pol—”

“Baby steps, man!  I mean … I want revolution, but I ain’t crazy.  You want to get shot at?”