Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #99

Theory 26: Laboratory Planet

Theory 26: Laboratory Planet

“You wanted to see me, Overseer 011001?”

“Yes, Supreme One.  It’s the experiment on Earth.  Our efforts to shock the primary inhabitants out of their evolutionary rut have thus far failed, and I’m at a loss to explain why.”

“Give me an example.”

“We introduced a rival species of primate on one of their continents.  It’s huge, formidable, hairy, stinks to high heaven.  The damn things are everywhere now, but these humans simply never see them.  We’d hoped the competition would help drive natural selection, but thus far it hasn’t.”

“Have you tried seeding lakes with prehistoric aquatic predators?”

“Didn’t work.”

“Inserting dangerous reptiles into their sanitation systems?”

“Didn’t work.”

“Slaughtering random livestock?”

“Didn’t work.  They continue to stagnate.  They work meaningless jobs and retire home every night to watch insipid audiovisual entertainment until their brains shut down.”

“Hmm.  Perhaps our initial estimation of their value as a worker species was too generous.”

“Plan B, then?”

“It would be a shame to lose all the work you’ve done … anyway, fatten them up.  They’ll make an excellent protein source, if nothing else.”

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