Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #121

Evidence Card 0091: Separatists

Evidence Card 0091: Separatists

“Sir, the last item for your consideration this afternoon is this declaration of war.”

“What?”

“A declaration of war.”

“Ervin, I’m the mayor of Buck Snort, Tennessee.  Who’s declaring war on this town?”

“Let’s see … the Free Sons of Our Patriotic New American Republic of Liberty.”

“Who in the hell is that?”

“As far as we can tell, Mr. Mayor, it is one Judd R. Wenthel, who lives out on Country Road Double-T.”

“This can’t be serious.  Did you read this already?”

“Yes sir.  In summary, he wants you to cede all the lands east of Parker Avenue.”

“You mean, the gas station and the Save-a-Lot?”

“Seems so, sir.  He claims he needs this territory to ‘feed his people.'”

“Is that all?”

“He would also like to establish diplomatic relations by setting up an embassy.”

“An embassy?  Where?”

“In your office, sir.  By the fax machine.”

“This is moronic.”

“That’s a fair description.”

“And what if we don’t agree to this lunatic’s demands?”

“He will, and I quote, “bring to bear all the force of the FSOOPNARL military, including one 12-gauge pump-action rifle and one .22 calibre repeating rifle, both oiled and in excellent working condition.”

“I don’t have time for this idiocy.  I have to get back to the dealership by 4:30 to close up.”

“He also claims to have weapons of mass destruction.”

“Now that’s just too much to swallow.  ‘Feed his people,’ huh?  Tell you what … here’s a gift certificate I got last week for a free fruit basket.  Call them up and send something nice out to the poor nut.  Maybe he’ll back down if he gets some free pineapple and oranges.”

“Food for peace?  Well, it worked with North Korea.  I’ll get right on it, sir.”

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