President: The time is 2:40, and I call this meeting of the United Nations Security Council to order. The chair recognizes Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon.
Moon: Welcome, gentlemen. The first item of today’s agenda is a discussion of the conflict between the new nations Western Eastonia and Eastern Westonia. To begin, I offer the floor to President Creznik of Eastern Westonia.
Mr. Creznik: Western Eastonia!
Moon: I beg your pardon. My apologies.
Mr. Creznik: Gentlemen, I give pleadings to you all to allow the great and glorious nation of Western Eastonia to make invasion of the wicked land of Eastern Westonia. Today, they are mocking us with rude gestures, and mooning across the border at our proud soldiers, who have heavy hearts after seeing the pale, unmuscular backsides of the Westonians. This is situation can not stand!
Moon: Prime Minister Antonovivov, do you have anything to say in response?
Mr. Antonovivov: Yes, I have. Pay no heed to this mewling jackass! The Eastonian people are rude and uncivilized in every regard. They wash their filthy laundry upstream from us, and scatter pig droppings everywhere they go. The only thing with more hair on its body than an Eastonian man is his wife. It is said the fierce-some cossacks of Ivan the Terrible refused to pillage Eastonian villages because they thought they were infested with bears. They are a degenerate people who need to be wiped out!
Moon: And Mr. Carlton? What does the United States have to say to these gentlemen?
Mr. Carlton: According to my records … the U.S. exported $847 million in military hardware to Eastonia last year, and $698 million to Westonia. Gentlemen?
Mr. Creznik: Da?
Mr. Antonovivov: Yes?
Mr. Carlton: May the best man win!