I’m leaving the country for a week for a bit of travel, and I didn’t plan ahead far enough to have Card-a-Day posts ready, so that feature will be on hiatus while I’m away. The daily feature will continue next weekend after I return.
I hope this does not cause too … Continue reading
Theory 43: Shadow Messengers
True story: Cats have been trying desperately to warn the human race about the impending apocalypse for centuries to little effect.
With the advent of the Internet, felines believed they finally had the tool they needed to communicate the truth to the Earth’s entire population. Videos, beamed to all the world’s Web surfers, could carry the warning and lead a call to action.
Sadly, the human brain is still too underdeveloped to process the signals being sent. Instead of being filled with dread, we insist on laughing and cooing at the flood of cat videos permeating the Internet.
Laughing … to our doom.
Evidence Card 0055: Bulletproof Vest
Limb by limb, tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day, every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof
Evidence Card 0054: Film Distributors
Coming soon from Epic Entertainment Pictures:
Winning Streak (May): an easy-go-lucky window washer with a need for speed must win enough money on the underground scooter circuit to pay for his mother’s surgery.
Play Dead (July): a rough-and-tumble Labrador retriever who refuses to play by the rules must avenge his master’s murder and win the heart of the hottest lady in town.
Time Expired (September): a down-on-her-luck meter maid with a heart of gold must clear her name after being accused of a crime she didn’t commit.
Ground Chuck (December): a tough-as-nails meat inspector with a mind for numbers must defeat an ancient evil to lift the curse on his sister’s soul.
Evidence Card 0053: Stonehenge
As Sir Francis Bacon almost certainly said at some point, the might of any human age can be easily gauged by the grandeur of its henges.
Stonehenge reflects the vision and hardscrabble determination of Stone Age Britons.
Bronzehenge stood proudly outside Knossos, Crete until it was melted down to make medals for the first modern Olympic Games in 1896.
Ironhenge was, sadly, the object of excessive public urination by Persian conquerors of Babylon and had rusted completely away before the fall of of the city to Alexander the Great.
Darkhenge is widely believed to have been made out of excrement.
Atomhenge stands at White Sands, New Mexico, but, at only seventeen angstroms tall, is difficult to appreciate without an electron microscope.
Informationhenge is currently under construction on the Internet, but progress is hampered by hackers defacing it with porn and cat photos, and NSA algorithms that keep mistaking it for an encoded terror plot.
Evidence Card 0052: Emergency Surgery
“What’s the patient’s condition?”
“Critical, doctor. Pulse is 130, BP 93 over 70 and falling.”
“What injuries are we looking at?”
“Patient appears to be need to have a … parking meter removed.”
“Was he in a traffic accident?”
“No. According to the police officer, the injuries are ‘teleportation related’.”
Theory 10: War Drums
Today’s CNN.com Headline Poll asks: which conflict-ravaged region should the United States invade next?
31% – Syria
27% – Iraq
19% – Ukraine
11% – North Korea
6% – Paraguay
4% – Westeros
2% – Florida
Evidence Card 0051: Sharpshooter
Agent Nilsson had a perfect record before that night: 31 missions, 31 kills. But now, he’s haunted by the innocent he killed by mistake.
If only he’d known the ambassador had a cat before engaging his laser sight, he wouldn’t have tipped off the target.
And Mr. Mopsy would still be alive.
Evidence Card 0050: Ancient Seals
And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.
And I asked, what if I only need two measures of barley, can you make change for a penny?
And the voice said, no, but I can give you a measure of wheat with that.
But I don’t need any wheat, I said.
I can’t break a penny, the voice said. It’s the smallest coin, you rube.
Fine. Just some oil and red wine then.
Let me guess. Making a salad?
Lately, I’ve been focused on preparations for upcoming travel, working on my urban development game, a little fiction writing, and some household tasks such as Spring gardening. I haven’t been inspired to express my thoughts here on the blog … at least, not enough to produce polished posts. … Continue reading