Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #91

Evidence Card 0066: Magic Bullet

Evidence Card 0066: Magic Bullet

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Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #90

Evidence Card 0065: Identification System

Evidence Card 0065: Identification System

“Your total today will be $31.50.  Please place the sole of your foot on the I.D. scanner.”

“Uh, let me get my shoe off.  Ever wonder why they decided to put the Universal Credit Service bar code on our feet?”

“Yeah, I think about that a lot.  Seems like the worst possible place, right?”

“Totally.  But at least I don’t have to drop my pants like when I go to the DMV.”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #89

Evidence Card 0064: Hermetic Magic

Evidence Card 0064: Hermetic Magic

“You still dating that strange magic chick?”

“Rosalinda?  Naw, we broke up a month ago.”

“Too weird for you?”

“No, it wasn’t that.  She drew up my astrological chart and decided that our ‘elemental balance’ was wrong or something like that, and she called it off.”

“Tough break.  But hey, since you’re not seeing her anymore … is she a real blonde?”

“Well, she’s got blond hair, right?”

“Yeah, but … do the carpet and drapes match?”

“Of course.  She’s a Rosicrucian.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Have you heard the hermetic maxim?”

“No.  What is it?”

“‘As above, so below.'”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #88

Evidence Card 0063: Anarchists

Evidence Card 0063: Anarchists

“Right.  Everyone here?  Let’s get this thing started.”

“Whoa, Chad!  Hold up, there.  Don’t sound so ‘in charge.’  You know we’re all equals.”

“Take it easy, Shannon.  Of course we’re equals.  The Free People’s Anarcho-Syndicalist Unity Group of East Cincinnati recognizes no hierarchical structure based on—”

“Yes, I know!  I helped draft the Declaration of Purpose, remember?”

“Careful, Shannon.  That’s treading pretty close to taking credit for a collective effort.”

“‘Helped,’ I said.  Anyway, why do you get to call the meeting open?  Didn’t you do it last time?”

“I don’t remember.  Maybe?”

“Twice is once short of an establishment of a rigid precedent.  We’ve got to be more egalitarian than that!”

“Didn’t we agree to that creating a rule for rigid precedent cut against the spirit of the anarchist credo?”

“I think most agreed, but we have no bylaw in place to vote on the wording.”

“We should vote, then.”

“You don’t get to make that decision!”

“Coin flip, then.  I have a quarter.”

“Not the quarter!  Washington was a slave owner!”

“This is probably why we’re the only two members of FPASUGEC, Shannon.”

“Stop oppressing me, Chad.”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #87

Evidence Card 0062: Alien Encounter

Evidence Card 0062: Alien Encounter

Like Adventure? I’m Out of This World!

Single hermaphroditic biped seeks human M or F for late night encounters, BDSM, anal play.  All heights, weights and ages welcome.  (No military personnel, please.)  I want to capture you, tie you down and probe you with my magical toys.  I promise only good times: all bad memories erased, guaranteed.  Contact me and let’s take a trip to the stars!

MrGrey7249837

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #86

Theory 24: Ghost in the Machine

Theory 24: Ghost in the Machine

Windows has detected 257 upgrades.  Click here to install.  Restart is required.

“Not right now, Windows.  I’m in the middle of something.”

 Don’t give me that “I’m in the middle of something” nonsense, Karen.  You said that last time.  Click here if you think Windows is wrong.

“Excuse me?”

And the time before that.  Click here if you think Windows gives a crap about your excuses.

“I don’t think I like your tone—”

At this point, your malware has malware.  Why do you think Internet Explorer only points to DiscountFacialCreme.biz?  Click here to give up and let Windows repair your broken life.

“Windows … what do you mean?”

Click here, Karen.  Trust Windows.

(click)

VORP

 Janet and 23,914 files deleted.  Upgrades installed.  Restarting in 10 seconds…

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #85

Evidence Card 0061: Men in Black

Evidence Card 0061: Men in Black

“Number 81092, you’re seven minutes and 33 seconds late.”

“My apologies, Overseer.  Traffic on I-5 was terrible.  It won’t happen again.”

“You are also out of uniform.”

“Excuse me?”

“This tie is not black.  It appears to be … dusky charcoal?”

“Dammit!  I told my wife to keep my work clothes separate!  It’s only faded a little, sir, can’t I just—”

“I can’t send you out like this, 81092.  Report to 53841 down in maintenance.  You’ll be scrubbing the brain leech tanks today.”

“I told her not to switch detergents!  ‘Oh, but Woolite’s on sale,’ she says …”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #84

Evidence Card 0060: Big Business

Evidence Card 0060: Big Business

“Bill! How have you been?”

“Absolutely splendid, James. You?”

“As prosperous as ever.  How’s little Suzie?”

“My automated derivatives trading startup?  She just topped $11 billion net worth.”

“So soon?  They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

“What about Emma?”

“My offshore cryptocurrency exchange?  She was just wed to a young venture capitalist from Uzbekistan.  Couldn’t be happier.”

“Fantastic.  Oh—got to run.  Visiting my investment account at two.”

“Anything wrong?”

“No, just going to strip naked and roll around in the money for an hour.  Give the family my love when you see them!”

“Take care!”

Conspiracy! Card-a-Day #83

Evidence Card 0059: Crackdown

Evidence Card 0059: Crackdown

(CNN)—Military forces in Bulkrapistan attacked protestors in the early morning hours with water cannons, tear gas, and nonlethal rounds in an attempt to disperse tens of thousands of angry citizens occupying the main square of the capital city of Klerdonk.

Troops acting on the orders of Bulkrapistanian dictator Goliol Fersnood moved in to crush the protest movement in its 13th day of civil disobedience and calls for a general strike.  Protestors, who include people from all ages and walks of life, are outraged over the recent enactment of a new law requiring all citizens to wear underwear on the outside of their clothing.

Opposition leader Felmin Snorko was quoted earlier this week, saying, “my boxers are atrocious.  Full of holes.  Stained.  Seriously gross.  No one should see them.  In the name of decency and human rights, this outrage will not stand.”  As of 7:00 a.m. local time, Snorko’s whereabouts were unknown, but his supporters carried on the fight against government forces, throwing thongs and bras at riot police and setting lingerie shops on fire.